Surprise, Republicans are crooked!

Good morning, Mainstream Media. Or should I say, good afternoon?

It took a hurricane to disturb you from your 5-year nap, but now, it seems, you’re ready to make a half-hearted attempt to cover the indictments, investigations, and otherwise crooked and illegal behavior by our Republican leaders. It was cute, really, watching you begin your day in your footy pajamas with the “M.M.” embroidered on the front – fussing over leaks and investigations, stocks and campaign contributions. I watched you stretch and yawn and wipe the sleep from your eyes. You scratched your bedhead and sauntered zombie-like toward the kitchen for a cup of coffee when, suddenly, like a late-night encounter with a vacuum cleaner left in the hallway, you ran smack dab into a revelation, toppled over it and banged your head on the floor. SURPRISE, Republicans are cooked!

Sit there a moment and rub that bump that’s rising on your noggin while I recap what happened while you were sleeping in…

They purged voters from election rolls, and mailed absentee ballots much too late. They created a system where kids with bad grades are forced to drop out so it wouldn’t affect the schools’ test averages and called it “No Child Left Behind.” They allowed power plants to buy room to pollute from other power plants and called it “Clear Skies.” They turned over our forests to logging companies and called it the “Healthy Forests Initiative.” They started a war. On purpose. They lied about John Kerry’s medals. They called John Edwards an ambulance chaser. They suggested John McCain had an illegitimate black baby. They cleared the way toward more polluted water and endangered species. They took condoms from Africa, replaced them with religion and called it a “War on Aids.” They played the “Terrorism” card like a Draw-4 card in some colossal game of UNO to scare the living shit out of people when ever it was convenient. They passed a bill in the middle of the night to keep ONE woman alive who didn’t want to be. They rewarded their buddies and railroaded their enemies. They gave to the rich until they ran up the biggest deficit in history and are cutting programs for the poor to pay it back. They pissed all over this country and, all the while, told us it was raining.

I know, Dear, it’s easy to sleep to the sound of rain, but did you ever once lift your head, sniff the air and say, “Hey, this rain smells like piss.” No, snugglebunny, you didn’t.

Well, it’s great that you’re finally awake, but what happens now? Who’s going to report it when the Democrats take back Congress in 2006 and launch investigations into everything that was going on? Who’s going to report it when the Democrats take back power and require fair elections with paper trails and Democrats start winning for the first time in precincts where the election officials were appointed by Republicans? Who’s going to report it when a Republican administration, leaving the White House, leaves behind enough shredded paper to build a megachurch out of paper mache? Who’s going to report it when we start cleaning the mess they made and putting this house back together? YOU ARE, that’s who.

So hop to it! I know. I know. Your head hurts, you haven’t had your coffee, and you’re not even out of your PJs yet, but you better get started because we all have a lot of work to do: the neighbors are complaining, there’s trash to be taken out, and the whole house smells like piss.

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