Satan Vs. Halloween

I received a phone call from Satan this morning. I always know when it’s him calling because I gave him his own ring tone on my cellphone. (It’s the theme from the Golden Girls.) I asked him if he was happy that it was his favorite day today. He said he was kinda happy, but mostly he could take or leave Halloween; it was actually X-mas that was his favorite. I inquired as to why and was simply told, “I get more done on Christmas.” (For the record, I call it X-mas because it pisses people off, but Satan still insists on calling it Christmas. He’s old fashioned like that.) I asked him what he wanted, and he told me there is a part of Halloween that he really likes, and he wanted to see that it gets more exposure. He asked me to write about Hell House in my blog today. He was referring to a type of haunted house that churches put on across the nation with the purpose of spreading vile and hateful rightwing-extremist christian propaganda. I immediately understood. Certainly, if Satan’s work were being done on this day, this would be the vehicle.

“But, isn’t Halloween about about having a good time”, I asked, “Isn’t it an opportunity for kids to dress up, pretend and use their imaginations? Hasn’t it become a favorite holiday among adults, too, who just want to get snookered off Vampire wine, dress funny and be foolish with their friends for a night”? He assured me that I was wrong, that, in fact, it’s the perfect time to spread hatred toward homosexuals and lies about premarital sex.

“But, isn’t focusing on these looney examples unfair to more reasonable churches that plan and celebrate Halloween according to their own beliefs, but in a more civilized manner?”, I pleaded with him.

He laughed in my ear and my cellphone crackled as the rock and molten lava at the center of the earth prevented me from getting a clear signal. I think he said something about abortion clinic bombings. I didn’t get all of it, but I knew where he was going with this and decided to change the subject. We discussed X-mas and whether we’d have it at his house or mine this year. I told him I was also kinda curious about something called Kwanza and asked him if he’d heard of it. He told me if I was going to bring that up I could go fuck myself, and that kinda pissed me off. I said, “As long as I’ve still got you on the phone, I’ve got one more question for you. Since it’s all just for pretend, anyhow; from the costumes and spookiness to the existence of god and satan and the very concept of an afterlife; as long as it’s ALL made up, wouldn’t it be better to just have a little fun?”

We must have lost our connection, because I only heard silence from the other end.


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