A Dirty Letter to Cheerios

The other day while feeding Cheerios to my bird I noticed that, on the back of the Cheerios box, there was an invitation for people to write letters to them. “What makes your heart beat a little faster?”, they would like to know. Well, I’m a big fan of Cheerios, and a big fan of letter writing, so I figured what the hell. Cheerios have served me well for so many years; it’s the least I could do to take a few minutes out of my day to write them a letter.

Dear Cheerios,

Thank you for the opportunity to share what makes my heart beat a little faster.

I live in a high-rise apartment building. Across the alley is another high-rise apartment building; it’s very close, really. My neighbor across the way dresses every morning without closing her blinds. And each morning I sit on the corner of my coffee table, enjoying my Cheerios and the view from my living room window. She’s really quite beautiful and, yes, this morning ritual of mine really gets my heart beating faster. At first I tried not to look but, honestly, who can resist watching such a comely young woman performing yoga in her altogether? She’s really quite flexible I might add. If you could only see her, I’m sure you’d understand completely. She’s been gifted with an ample bosom and mammilla the size of manhole covers. Always fresh from the shower, she wears a towel on her head. That’s OK; I still know what color her hair is because her abounding pubis looks like a black poodle with its head stuck in a rabbit hole. I don’t think she’s ever seen me. She’s usually too distracted watching the Today Show and the weather with Al Roker. Imagine… if Al only knew! When I’m done with my Cheerios I always have to take a cold shower myself if you know what I mean (because of the naked yoga, not Al Roker).

Anyway, thank you for this opportunity to share with you what wakes me up in the morning and gets my heart beating faster. I love your product.


Happie Peatie



2 Responses to “A Dirty Letter to Cheerios”

  1. sangriasthoughts&lemonwedges Says:

    I’ve always wanted to write to a cereal company. good post, had a good laugh

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