On Air Conditioning

I think that air conditioning is one of humankind’s greatest inventions. Of humankind’s greatest achievements, I’d put fire as number one, the wheel at number two, and three would definitely be air conditioning. In fact, the wheel I could do without. If the apocalypse came I could always drag my stuff around on a big tarp or something, but air conditioning I’d miss.

People used to live in the desert. They built pyramids. All without A/C. Imagine.

How did human beings have sex in the summertime before air conditioning? Especially in the south where it’s really hot and humid. Everyone’s always hot and sweaty and… shiny with a sheen of sweat. Ech! I just can’t see it. Not happening. Nope. Don’t touch me. Go take a shower. Maybe after that, and it couldn’t be brisk sex or take very long because then we’d get sweaty again. I think that’s how skinny dipping got invented. It’s the only way people in hot climates could stand each other long enough to have sex.

Apparently, not everyone feels the same about air conditioning as I do.

It’s been brought to my attention that electricity was a rather important invention in its own right and that, without it, we wouldn’t have air conditioning. But I’m pretty sure air conditioning was the prime motivation behind the invention of electricity, so electricity doesn’t count.

I spent ten days in Alaska one summer. It was warm a few of those nights and, without thinking, I asked about the possibility of turning on the air conditioning. Funny thing – they don’t even install air conditioning in buildings in Alaska. They stared at me for about a minute and then found me a fan. And it took a while to find one of those. No air conditioning and a sun that never goes down. How do these people live from late-June to the first week in August? It’s just uncivilized.

If it were up to me I’d sleep with the air conditioning up all the way. My nipples would be hard as diamonds, creating two tiny little tents in the thin sheet that covered me. We’d have to sprint to the bathroom and back in the middle of the night before we froze to death. Of course my girlfriend would have to wear so many quilts and blankets it would be like sleeping next to a giant oven mitt. Her little face would be poking out of that fluffy mass with those cute blue lips and frost on her pretty little eyelashes. Aw, precious! And each morning I’d have to administer first aid in order to treat her for hypothermia. I’d rub her limbs to get the blood flowing again and then help her to a warm bath to get her core temperature back up over ninety. It’d totally be worth it.

Every night it would be the same. “Come on, honey, it’s time to go to bed.”

“No way, I’m not going in there!”

“Aw, come one, just put another sweater on. I’ll put bath salts in the water in the morning; it’ll be OK.”

But once she got used to the new routine, I’d be happy as a clam.

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